fatboy
Full Member 2011/2012
Posts: 2059
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« Reply #45 on: December 02, 2011, 09,53:58 AM » |
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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000. The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home. The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150?  " The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can?t take that chance!" |
"Live for something, Don't die for nothing"
Never take life seriously.... Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Current Rides
2010 KTM 690 Duke
2007 KTM 540 EXC
2005 Suzuki RM 85
2000 KTM 125 SX
1993 Honda XR 600
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fatboy
Full Member 2011/2012
Posts: 2059
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« Reply #46 on: January 11, 2012, 04,33:26 AM » |
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1. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning, can you believe that? 2:30am?
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
2. The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.
3. Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.
"Really," says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
4. I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
5. My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
6. Woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid then I was petrified.
7. The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
8. A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.
9. I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin,
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, "These guys have lost the plot!"
10. My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70.
"Blow this," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."
11. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
12. I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
13. I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
14. I was driving this morning when I saw an RACQ van parked on the side of the road.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."
15. I just met a fat, alcoholic, transvestite. He wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
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"Live for something, Don't die for nothing"
Never take life seriously.... Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Current Rides
2010 KTM 690 Duke
2007 KTM 540 EXC
2005 Suzuki RM 85
2000 KTM 125 SX
1993 Honda XR 600
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fatboy
Full Member 2011/2012
Posts: 2059
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« Reply #47 on: January 12, 2012, 03,57:52 PM » |
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An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a traffic light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, ' What kind of car ya got there, sonny ?'
The doctor replies, ' A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars ! '
' That's a lot of money,' says the old man. ' Why does it cost so much?'
' Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour !' States the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside ?'
' No problem,' replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my Moped !'
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer !
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !
Something whips by him going much faster !
' What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped !
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN !
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again ! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do !
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, ' I'm a doctor... Is there anything I can do for you ?'
The old man whispers,
' Unhook my braces from your side view mirror '
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"Live for something, Don't die for nothing"
Never take life seriously.... Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Current Rides
2010 KTM 690 Duke
2007 KTM 540 EXC
2005 Suzuki RM 85
2000 KTM 125 SX
1993 Honda XR 600
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fatboy
Full Member 2011/2012
Posts: 2059
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« Reply #48 on: January 13, 2012, 02,38:33 PM » |
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Paddy and Murphy need a good drink but only have 50c between them. Paddy has an idea he takes the cash to the butchers and buys a sausage. They enter the first bar and order 2 pints of Guiness and down them in one. When the barman asks for payment, Paddy puts the sausage into his fly and Murphy sucks it!!! The barman goes mental and kicks them both out!!!
By the tenth pub the pair are drunk and Murphy says "I cant do this anymore my knees have gone" Paddy replies "YOUR KNEES!!! I lost the feking sausage in the second pub!!!!!"
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"Live for something, Don't die for nothing"
Never take life seriously.... Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Current Rides
2010 KTM 690 Duke
2007 KTM 540 EXC
2005 Suzuki RM 85
2000 KTM 125 SX
1993 Honda XR 600
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marko
Full Member 2011/2012
Posts: 42
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« Reply #49 on: January 13, 2012, 04,06:29 PM » |
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Great joke hey my memory with names is poo but are you the bloke with the repaired leg & kwaka 450 that was on the last ride at eildon with pete r?
cheers marko
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fatboy
Full Member 2011/2012
Posts: 2059
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« Reply #50 on: January 13, 2012, 06,18:06 PM » |
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Great joke hey my memory with names is poo but are you the bloke with the repaired leg & kwaka 450 that was on the last ride at eildon with pete r?
cheers marko
Close, I have a repaired knee and a Kato but still not allowed to ride so no it would not have been me, you are thinking of Darren. |
"Live for something, Don't die for nothing"
Never take life seriously.... Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Current Rides
2010 KTM 690 Duke
2007 KTM 540 EXC
2005 Suzuki RM 85
2000 KTM 125 SX
1993 Honda XR 600
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Darren lynch
Full Member 2011/2012
Posts: 130
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« Reply #51 on: January 13, 2012, 06,27:37 PM » |
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Great joke hey my memory with names is poo but are you the bloke with the repaired leg & kwaka 450 that was on the last ride at eildon with pete r?
cheers marko
Yes it was me out on Pete's ride  Fatboy's slimmer then me just well chosen name Marko (fatboy slim) |
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marko
Full Member 2011/2012
Posts: 42
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« Reply #52 on: January 15, 2012, 07,43:00 AM » |
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Sorry darren i wont forget next time i see you & are you ridin on pete s 28/1/2012 ride.
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